What Could Have Been
by Allen the Musician
Summary: After learning about the connection between Mana and the Fourteenth, Allen has mixed feelings. But the youth decides to believe that Mana had truly cared about the real him and this thought, as well as an unusual dream, brings him comfort. For awhile.
1. To See You Again

Disclaimer - I do not own D Gray Man

Chapter One - To See You Again

Allen found that, after his memorable conversation with Master Cross, his thoughts were focused on Mana more than usual. When he had first learned that Mana had been the older brother of the 14th Noah his heart had faltered. For the briefest of times he had wondered whether his foster father had really loved him or had merely cared for him because he was the host necessary for the 14th's revival.

But those doubts were gone.

Now he knew the truth although as he thought about it the young man realized that he had really always known. He knew in his heart, although he had no way to prove it, that Mana had cared for him. Had cared for the real him and not the him that possessed the memories of the 14th. And this knowledge made him more determined than ever to keep the promise that he had made to the only person who had ever treated him like a completely normal child.

To the people who had saw him on the streets he had been a worthless castoff; deformed and unworthy to even breathe the same air that they did. To the members of the circus where he had first met Mana he had been a tool to get work done but never anything more. And even to the Black Order he was viewed merely as a soldier to fight in the holy war and now as possibly the traitor who would bring about their destruction.

But to Mana he had just been a child albeit a child who never smiled.

"I promise you that I will keep walking Mana," Allen muttered to the familiar picture that hung on the wall of his room. The eternal clown smiled down at him and Allen was certain, although he once again had no proof, that Mana heard this renewed promise.

Renewing this promise seemed to bring a measure of peace to the young boy and he placed his head on the pillow, not even bothering to change out of his clothing.

* * *

Darkness gave way to light and Allen found himself in a strange room, standing in front of a mirror. Out of pure habit the boy gazed at his reflection and his eyes widened in surprise. It was almost as though he were looking at a stranger. The image that stared back at him through the mirror looked as though an artist had drawn him but with deliberate differences. In stead of the white that he had grown accustomed to over the years his hair was a rich brown color and the scar that had once decorated his face was completely gone.

No sign that it had ever been there.

Completely confused over this strange change in his appearance Allen glanced down at himself as though to see if anything else was off. Aside from his hair and the scar his physical appearance seemed to be roughly the same; he was still slender and was dressed in black slacks, white shirt, gray vest and red tie.

The tie was somewhat crooked and Allen adjusted it without really thinking about the act.

"Hey Allen!" a voice suddenly called out, breaking into the young man's thoughts.

Allen paused, his hand still at the collar of his shirt. There was just no way that it was possible and yet…

"That voice," Allen whispered, his eyes once again growing wide. It was a voice that he would never forget and yet he knew that it wasn't possible. Mana had died when he had been small and yet there was no mistaking that voice.

"Are you almost ready?" The door of the room swung open and a man stepped inside. Allen's gaze shifted to the form that had just entered the room and he gasped. The man who was gazing at him appeared older than he remembered but there was still no denying the fact that it was Mana.

The foster father whom he had lost so long ago.

"Mana. . ."

Walking forward Mana reached out and grasped Allen by the chin, his gaze focused intently on the boy. He seemed to be searching for something as he gazed into the boy's wide gray eyes. "Are you alright Allen? You look a little off today."

"I'm. . . I'm okay," Allen stuttered, completely shocked.

"Well come on then," Mana said, releasing his grip on the young man's chin. "We have a lot of traveling to do and I want to get there before nightfall or else we might have a hard time finding work."

"Work?" Allen was even more confused.

Mana arched an eyebrow, his gaze still resolutely locked on the young man. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yea," Allen said, running his hands through his now brown hair. Following along behind Mana he entered a small room that had two twin beds, both of which had a suitcase sitting on top. One of the suitcases was filled with neatly folded clothing while the other looked as though someone had been frantically searching for something.

"You know Allen," Mana said as he closed the suitcase filled with neatly folded clothing. "It would be a lot easier to keep your clothing neat if you would learn how to fold it properly."

"So I was in a hurry," Allen said, moving a couple of articles of clothing that were in the way and closing his own suitcase.

Shrugging as though to say that the boy was hopeless, Mana placed a top hat on his head and picked up his suitcase. He turned to gaze at Allen over his shoulder, a half smile on his lips. "Are you sure you're up for the trip Allen? We could stay a day or two longer if you need to…"

The invitation hung in the air but Allen quickly shook his head. "That won't be necessary. I'm fine, really."

"Well alright," Mana said, finally turning his gaze away from the brown haired youth. "If you say so."

"I do," Allen said.

"We should go then."

"Right."

A/N - first chapter of a what if fic. Hope that you enjoyed.


	2. Travels Resume

Disclaimer - I do not own D Gray Man

Chapter Two - Travels Resumed

Once Allen had collected his things, and managed to successfully hide the fact that he was still a little confused, he and Mana left the small room and set out. Mana was leading the way, as always, and Allen automatically fell into step behind him. The youth didn't really know where they were going but had subconsciously decided to just follow along behind Mana.

Not that the decision was a bad one.

After all this was the way that it had been when he was young and it had worked out fine. His foster father had always seemed to know where they were going which made it much safer to just let him lead the way. After all, even as a child, Allen had constantly found himself lost. His sense of direction hadn't improved much over the years and Allen was quite content to let someone else be the leader.

"So Allen," Mana said, breaking into the boy's thoughts. "How do you feel about joining another circus? We've been performing on our own for awhile so the change might be nice."

"Um alright," Allen said.

"Are you sure that you're okay?" Mana pressed, glancing over his shoulder at the youth who was following along behind him.

"I'm fine," Allen said, offering his foster father a small smile.

"Alright then," Mana said, shrugging his shoulders. He wasn't entirely convinced that Allen was telling him the truth but if the boy had something that he wanted to hide then so be it. He was a teenager after all and Mana was determined not to pry.

Allen followed along behind Mana for awhile and the old familiarity began to seep back in. This was the way that it had been for years and Allen realized, possibly for the first time ever, how much he had missed it.

"If only it were real," boy thought to himself with a sigh as he made his way down the dusty road.

But he knew that it wasn't.

It was vivid and seemed real enough but things like this just didn't happen. He had wished for it about a million times since the death of his beloved foster father but, now that they were reunited, all Allen could think about was the fact that it wasn't real.

"But that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy it while it lasts," Allen thought to himself, deciding in that moment to act as though everything were normal until the dream just faded away.

Because he knew that it was going to.

Allen often had vivid dreams, usually caused by some stress in his life, and he accredited this to the news that he had been given.

"It's not real."

* * *

Together Allen and Mana traveled down a seemingly deserted road until they came upon a fairly large town. This wasn't a town that Allen was familiar with but his eye was soon drawn to a colorful poster that had been hung on the side of one of the buildings.

"Your sixth sense was right as always," Allen said with a smile as he pointed to the poster of a lion jumping through a large hoop. Mana had always had an uncanny ability to locate towns that were being visited by the circus and Allen had often wondered how it was that he did it.

But the one time that he had posed the question to his foster father Mana had merely shrugged and told him that it was a sixth sense. Then he had winked at the boy and said with a chuckle, "I'm drawn to the weirdness. Like a magnet."

That comment had made Allen laugh and, as he recalled the memory, it brought a smile to his face once more.

"And what exactly are you smirking about?" Mana asked, gazing at the boy who stood beside him.

"Oh nothing," Allen said, unable to wipe the smile from his face. "Just remembering how much I hate clowns."

"Of course you do," Mana said, reaching out and tousling the boy's brown hair. "I've heard that about a million times. You know, you really should get over your self-loathing."

"I'm working on that," Allen said, absently reaching up and straightening his hair.

"Well come on," the older of the two clowns said, pointing toward the spot where the tip of a large tent was just visible above the tree tops. "We should probably go and see if they can use a couple more clowns."

"Okay," Allen said with a long suffering sigh. "You're such a slave driver."

"Have to be," Mana said as he led the way across the town toward the spot where the circus had set up. "Or else we would never have enough money to keep you fed."

"That was low," Allen muttered, pretending to be hurt.

"It'll be okay."

A smile appeared on Allen's face and he decided that this was one of the best dreams that he'd had in years. He'd dreamt of Mana often in the years that had passed since that fateful day in the cemetery but those had all ended with the twisted piece of metal yelling curses at him.

This dream was actually pleasant.

"It's too bad that it won't last," he thought to himself as he followed Mana toward the circus grounds.

Any minute now reality would descend and ruin this peaceful scene.

A/N- here's chapter two and Allen is once again going to join the circus. Hope that you enjoyed, please leave a review and tell me what you thought.


	3. Circus Days

Disclaimer - I do not own D Gray Man

Chapter Three - Circus Days

All it took was a brief demonstration of their skills and then Mana and Allen found themselves employed with the circus that they had happened upon. This fact would shock most people but Allen had became accustomed to it in the years that he had spent with Mana.

The man was incredibly talented and always managed to find work wherever the two of them happened to end up.

"You were born to be a clown," Allen muttered as he and Mana made their way to the small caravan that would serve as their home while they were with the circus.

Mana offered his son a smile. "I could say the same about you Allen but then you'd probably yell at me."

"Would I do something like that?" Allen questioned as he reached out and opened the door of their new 'home'.

"You would," Mana replied as he and the boy stepped inside. "And have on a number of occasions."

All Allen could do was laugh because, even though this was a dream, he knew that his foster father spoke the truth. He had always maintained that he hated clowns and yet he had still worked as one for years.

All for Mana.

He would have done anything that his foster father had asked of him, no matter how much he hated it.

"Well I suppose we should get changed," Mana said as he placed his suitcase down on the worn out sofa. "It's been awhile since we've done some of our tricks and they could use some fine tuning before the first performance."

"Right," Allen said as he gazed about the cramped space that they would be calling home. It was obvious that there wouldn't be any such thing as privacy and the boy felt a blush rise to color his face.

Seeing the boy's embarrassment, Mana chuckled softly to himself. "I tell you what Allen; how about I step outside while you change and then you can do the same?"

Allen nodded.

Taking this nod as his cue to leave the older of the two clowns stepped out of the caravan, leaving the younger alone. Placing his suitcase down on the ground Allen opened it and pulled out a clown costume.

A flash of memories assaulted the boy as he changed into the costume. This was a familiar process and he was soon in full costume. Complete with white makeup and a painted on smile.

As he once again got used to the feel of the costume Allen stepped outside, his gaze shifting to Mana who was leaning up against the side of the caravan.

"It's about time," Mana said, righting himself and walking toward the door. "I thought that you'd fallen asleep or something."

"Not hardly," Allen said as he stepped from the caravan, resisting the urge to say that he had almost forgotten how to put on the costume.

Shaking his head at the boy, Mana stepped inside the caravan, closing the door behind him. This left Allen to lean up against the caravan and await his return.

And as he waited Allen counted down the time until Mana would return. After all, his foster father could change into and out of the costume quicker than anyone he had ever seen.

As expected barely five minutes had passed before the door of the caravan once again opened, this time revealing Mana in full clown attire.

"How does he do that?" Allen found himself thinking yet again. He had often wondered about this in his youth but had never posed the question.

"Alright Allen," Mana said, adjusting the collar of his costume as he came to stand beside his son. "Let's get to work."

Nodding his head Allen fell into step behind his foster father and together they made their way to an open space. Mana placed the suitcase that he was carrying down on the ground and opened it.

Without so much as a word of warning Mana tossed a couple of brightly colored balls in Allen's direction. The brown haired youth hadn't been expecting the move however he still managed to catch all of the balls, effortlessly juggling them through the air.

"Nice," Mana said as he continued to pull things from the suitcase.

This was yet another thing that had always amazed Allen; the amount of things Mana had managed to pack into the one suitcase that he carried. Somehow he managed to fit not only his clothes but also the tools of his trade.

"Careful," Allen said as he juggled the brightly colored balls. "Or you might accidentally pull out your unmentionables."

"Allen!" Mana exclaimed, turning his head so that he could glare at the boy.

Allen met the glare with a wide grin, the colored balls flying through the air as he tossed them back and forth.

"I see I'm going to have to work you hard today," Mana said as he pulled out an inflatable ball. His words sounded harsh but the smile on his face belied the severity of the threat.

Allen chuckled.

This was exactly like his childhood days; he and Mana practicing together before a show and the memories brought a smile to his face. He had greatly missed these moments with his foster father and found that he couldn't resist giving Mana a hard time. It truly was just like when he was a child.

A/N - another chapter! Hope that you enjoyed.


	4. Performing

Disclaimer - I do not own DGM

Chapter Four - Performing

"You'd best get ready Allen," Mana called out over his shoulder as he opened the door of the little caravan trailer that he and his son called home. He was already dressed in his full costume and had every intention of doing a little last minute practicing before the show began.

"Alright, alright," Allen said as he pulled a costume from his suitcase and held it up gingerly. This was the part about being a street and circus performer that he had never liked.

The costume that he was forced to wear.

But he had always dealt with it because he realized that it was all part of the gig. And because he would do absolutely anything to make Mana happy.

The man who had taken him in when no one else had wanted him meant the world to the boy and he sought only to make Mana proud. Allen didn't want his foster father to ever regret the decision to take him in.

And nothing had changed about this fact. Allen still wanted to please Mana more than he wanted anything else which was why he would once again don the costume that he loathed. He would do anything that Mana asked of him. He owed the man so much more than his life. Owed him so much more than he could ever repay.

Allen listened to the sound of the door closing and then he went about dressing in the annoying costume that he was forced to wear for the upcoming performance. This brought back a flood of memories from his childhood and Allen smiled involuntarily as he thought back to the days that he and Mana had spent together.

The best times of his life.

With these thoughts in his mind Allen quickly changed his clothes and then painted his face with the thick white makeup. Then he added the finishing touches before making his way outside to join Mana.

"About time," the older clown commented as Allen stepped out of the caravan to join him. Mana glanced at the young man without even losing the rhythm of his juggling.

Without a word Allen somersaulted across the grass toward his foster father and, when the was close enough, leapt up into the air and seized the multi-colored balls.

"Show off," Mana muttered as Allen began to juggle the balls that he had snatched.

"Yes," Allen muttered, a smirk appearing on his face as he gazed over at his father. "Yes I am."

Allen liked the fact that he didn't have to force a smile when he was with Mana and this was one of the things that he had missed the most. He could always be himself when with his foster father without having to worry.

It was the greatest feeling in the world.

"So are you ready for the show tonight?" Mana asked as he walked over to his son and swiped the balls back from the boy.

"I suppose," Allen said, his eyes widening as Mana retrieved the juggling balls that he had taken.

"You'll do fine," Mana said, catching each of the brightly colored balls and then wrapping an arm around Allen's shoulders. "You always do."

Allen didn't verbally reply to his father's words but he did offer Mana a small smile. Somehow he always knew the right words to say.

"It's too bad that this is all a dream," Allen found himself thinking once more as he and Mana slowly made their way toward the largest of the assembled tents.

The noise from inside the tent was deafening so Allen and Mana decided to wait just outside for their cue. Neither were overly fond of large crowds so it was just better for them to do things this way.

"Now be careful not to mess up," Allen said with a grin as the two clowns received their musical cue.

"Allen…" Mana said, shaking his head as he and the boy rushed forward.

The young man merely smirked.

As Allen and Mana entered the tent they were greeted by loud applause from the assembled crowd and the two clowns immediately began their act. Unlike the other clowns, who specialized in tricks to make people laugh, Allen and Mana's act involved more acrobatics than pranks.

And the crowds absolutely loved it.

The routine was familiar as Allen and Mana ran through their paces and the young man found himself somewhat surprised that he actually remembered it. So much time had passed since he had performed with his foster father and yet it seemed as though it had been only yesterday as Allen went through the familiar series of stunts. Nothing had been forgotten in the years that had passed and this fact brought a smile to Allen's face.

A genuine smile.

"Wow," Allen muttered to himself as he and Mana took their bows and exited the tent. "I forgot how physical this line of work is."

"What was that Allen?" Mana asked as he came to stand beside his son.

"Nothing," Allen said quickly.

Mana didn't look convinced but didn't get the chance to further pursue the matter. The sound of gunfire echoed through the air and Allen's gaze instinctively went to the sky.

Where his horrified gaze fell upon at least twenty Akuma.

The young man's blood ran cold at the sight and he held up his arm, prepared to fight. However, try as he might, he couldn't activate his Innocence.

"It won't work," he thought to himself in a panic, his eyes wide and horrified. "Why won't it work?"

A/N - Hope that you enjoyed this chapter, please leave a review and tell me what you thought.


	5. The Dream's End

Disclaimer - I do not own DGM

Chapter Five - The Dream's End

The Akuma were looming overhead, casting shadows about the circus as they prepared to attack. Allen once again attempted to activate his Innocence, desperate to do something about this situation.

But once again, nothing happened.

Allen couldn't believe that his Innocence wouldn't work but as his frantic brain gave thought to this occurrence the answer came to him. He hadn't lost Mana therefore he had never learned to use his Innocence. And even though part of him knew that this was all just a dream the boy found that he couldn't use this knowledge to his advantage.

Despite the fact that he knew how to use his Innocence he was still unable to invoke it in this situation. In this world of this dream turned nightmare he was unable to use his Innocence and it appeared as though nothing would change this fact.

And as the Akuma approached the spot where he and Mana were standing Allen opened his mouth in a silent scream.

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

"Allen!"

The brown haired boy turned to face his foster father and he saw that Mana had an oddly serene expression on his face. There was a small smile on the clown's face that seemed grossly inappropriate due to the situation and Allen found himself staring despite the looming group of Akuma.

"It's alright Allen. You can go back."

"What are you talking about?" Allen demanded, keeping one eye on the Akuma even as he stared at Mana.

"Wake up!"

It was as though these words triggered something in the youth's mind and Allen felt his entire body jump. It was as though some force was fighting to keep him in the world of dreams even though he was trying his best to awaken. He finally managed to break free of the clutches of the dream and Allen sat up in bed, screaming as he fought to return to reality. Sweat was pouring from the young man's face and he had to fight to catch his breath.

"It was a dream," Allen murmured as he wiped at the locks of sweat dampened hair that hung in his face. "I knew it was a dream but it seemed so real."

As his breathing grew more regular Allen's thoughts returned to the dream turned nightmare from which he had just awakened. It had started out so pleasant but the way that it had ended still brought a sinking feeling to the pit of Allen's stomach.

"Mana…" the young man choked out, gripping his head with his hands.

"Keep moving forward…"

It was as though these words echoed in Allen's mind as he thought about his foster father. He would do anything to be with Mana again but knew that, had things turned out differently, he wouldn't be the person that he was today.

He owed everything to Mana and in this moment Allen renewed his vow to keep moving forward on the path that he had chosen. Despite the threat of the Fourteenth, despite everything bad that had happened, he would continue to do everything in his power to save the tortured souls that had been taken by the Millennium Earl.

"Don't worry Mana," Allen whispered, gazing up at the painting that hung on the wall beside his bed. "I'll keep my promise to you. I'll always move forward, until the day I die."

The young man continued to gaze at the painting for a few minutes, gaining strength from the memories of his father. Although the ending of the dream had been horrific Allen was none the less grateful for it.

Because, for a brief time, he had been given the chance to see what life would have been like had he not lost Mana to that tragic set of circumstances.

And that meant the world to him.

A/N - last chapter of this little what if story. Hope that you enjoyed the ride. Thanks for reading.


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